Sometimes we get tangled along the way, lose our focus or have some other reason for sliding backward.The more healthy we become, the less unhealthy partners come around but somehow, some way, they can still find a way in.She started a relationship that was short-lived and sent me a short note that she was doing her "Getting Past Your Breakup" work again and she would be okay. But lately things seemed to be going backwards for her instead of forward and she wanted to make an appointment.
Becoming healthy means taking care and taking care of yourself.
Even when we are steadily becoming more healthy, we still might attract or somehow wind up on a date or a budding relationship with trouble.
You should do it when you're going through a breakup to remind yourself what you want and what you don't want.
For me, I should have done the Standards and Compatibility inventory when my other relationship was breaking up. Had I looked, really looked, at the relationship by doing the Relationship Inventory and the Standards and Compatibility inventory I would have never dated another musician. Early on in the new relationship I had accompanied him to an out-of-town gig. When the band went on break he didn’t come over to the table where I was sitting alone.
I left the middle of a date and left and stood someone up for a first date.
Both times I felt this gut feeling that something was not right. I had a nice life and I was happy there but I dabbled in dating sometimes and did so with a fairly pessimistic attitude and thought, sometimes, that being "casual" or just physical would work for me (it doesn't, it was a mind game I was playing with myself).
One thing I’ve learned about relationships and how to find a healthy one is that you have to know when to leave.
In my own work and the work I've done with others for over 25 years, I know, unequivocally, that no matter how healthy we get, we are always going to run into attractive people that may be ill-suited for us. Still, it’s good to have a bit of a primer and a reminder that when you’re out there dating again, it’s not always a straight trajectory from one relationship into a healthier one.
In (GBOT) I write that it's important to change your attitude about dating as something you need to "go through," like some kind of punishment, on the way to having a relationship. Look at it as a learning experience where you are picking up valuable clues about what you want and don't want in another person.
And stay committed to the fact that you will not continue dating one person just to avoid having to start all over, with "first date" with someone new.
A former client came to see me recently and complained about dating fatigue.