And I don’t really care about PDA if it doesn’t seem like a performance to make a statement.
But that all brings me to the problem with this defensive reaction to accountability in a legalistic atmosphere.
I’d be aware of the social expectations and talk up the positive things in our relationship and try to gloss over or tone down the negative elements.
I felt compelled to talk about things that were too intimate to appropriately share (swapping dirt with your girl friends is one thing, but it’s entirely another to share that stuff with to try to preemptively keep them from being “concerned” about you), and it drained me a lot.
I felt like I was always on the defensive, needing to justify my relationship and my choices.
I’m not actively assigning motives here, but after all of that I tend to wonder a bit about why courting (or newly dating post-fundy life, or even they are in/of the relationship.
*** When I started courting, I was hyper aware of how everyone else I knew had done this thing, what the stories in Josh Harris’s books showed as the “godly” ways to “walk out” their courtship in “good faith,” and what was necessary for having a healthy romantic relationship.
Or at least, I knew what I a healthy relationship should look like and I had a pretty good idea of how to make mine look like a happy, godly thing for others to later emulate. See, the overall focus of everything in SGM (for me) was: be a good example for others.He wrote a ridiculous post about “habits” of rich people in which he showed that he is super out of touch with what it’s like to be poor, and is a subscriber to prosperity gospel stuff, which is a lovely Gnostic sort of plague on American culture, shown most clearly in political discussions in which the word “entitled” is used to reference the assumption that “people who aren’t as well off as us must be lazy.” Rachel Held Evans and a few others responded to him, on Twitter and through blog posts and made some good points, and now RHE’s post is going nuts on my Facebook feed. We are right to be angry at his post and the assumptions therein.Looking at his teachings more broadly, I’ve observed that long-term, Ramsey’s financial ideas are not especially sound.And advice from mentors and peers and parents is great, but this isn’t that.It’s losing yourself and appropriate sense of boundaries and privacy for the sake of fear, and you often forget to enjoy the ride of a new experience because you’re so afraid you’re doing the wrong thing.Every piece of my teenage and college years was set up in reaction to either 1) what my elders would think, and 2) what those younger than me would interpret as license to mimic if they watched my behavior. And my ex, being who he is, was also really aware of what was and wasn’t socially acceptable in these circles.